Thursday, March 4, 2010

Trailer Trash Confession



Sometimes I don't understand what I'm supposed to do next. I feel like my life is too complicated and too hard - its like, could I please exchange this life for a different one that is easier? I know it's ridiculous. I already live in paradise, we have nothing at all to complain about. But I'm not feeling too good today, and its largely my own fault.

I got in a fight with my husband. We were having a super busy day, both overtired & overworked. I thought he said something insulting to me (I misheard him, it turns out). But we didnt have time to sort it out. Later that night I accidentally did something he was offended by, and he told me so, and I thought he was just being mean. Then the next morning I got really mad and blasted him.

What kind of a person shouts swear words at her husband and throws his bag down the stairs? What upsets me is, this is the man that I really love. I don't really understand why he makes me so mad sometimes (about 4 times a year) and then I go and behave like someone off Jerry Springer. Its a side of myself that I really dont like.

I'm an eldest child; a high achieving, overly responsible, overly capable, perfectionistic fixitologist. And Im looking for answers...

Answers, people! What is the best way to have a marriage?

8 comments:

  1. Hello! Love the blog [very jealous that you live so close to a lovely beach :)]

    I have a policy of never giving parenting or marriage advice. I find that what works for us might not work for others and goodness knows I am in NO WAY an expert on either. The one thing I can do is tell you a little story - 'cause your yesterday sounds like mine. hee

    Yesterday I was in a lot of pain. My doctor recently put me in a wheel chair and I am learning the ropes of the dang thing, but success is not a given - and I was feeling worn out, tired and honestly, very scared.

    About the time Pooldad [my husband] was getting ready to go to work I blasted him. I know that he has personal leave days to use up before March 15th and he could take the day off to be with me [which I really wanted 'cause, seriously? I was really scared] and we ended up in a major spat. He left for work and I cried, tears of pity for myself - which, if you know me, is NOT my style.

    Turns out he has been having a bit of difficulty at work but hasn't told me about it because my condition has been worsening and he didn't want me to worry - so, no he couldn't get yesterday off and he didn't realize that my ranting and tears was because I was scared to be alone. He thought I was just being a baby.

    I only know this now [and this is important part] because I called him to tell him I was sorry about yelling that I was scared and he didn't realize that and that is when he told me about work. All was well, better in fact.

    Now we have been married for 15 years, are eachother's best friends and really are still in love - but with the onset of my illness and speed with which it is progressing we are all a little wigged out and it causes friction. It doesn't change our feelings for eachother but it does excuse some of our less than stellar behavior towards one another.

    Perhaps something is underlying your outbursts and you need to sit down and chat about it. Marriage isn't easy but it can be made easier, I think, if the lines of communication aren't buried too deep.

    Hope this looooooooong ramble helps. Keep up the great blog [love the camping posts - we could definitely swap stories there. lol]

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  2. I know nothing about marriage, so I'm no help whatsoever! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment; new friends are always welcome (even ones who yell at husbands occasionally!) Hope things have picked up/settled down! L X

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  3. Michaela,
    I wish I could help...never married and not very good at the whole relationship thing. Just hug him, tell him you love him and keep your chin up. We all have moments when being mad is just the only feeling we have - whether it's earned or not. That I do know a little about.
    xoxo Michelle

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  4. It's not always easy is it!! I hate having fights with Kit.

    Something that always helps me and Kit get over fights is being able to say sorry, take responsibility for whatever part we played, listen to each other's point of view and feelings, and committing to trying to avoid any behaviours that we don't think are appropriate in future. Kit and I have both had to improve various behaviours during our relationship.

    I don't think it can be handled much better than that! None of us is perfect! Hope things are going better now and you had a chance to talk about it.
    xxxT

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  5. Ha ha by the way love the trailer trash reference! Welcome to Bogan-ville ...

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  6. A month from now, you will recall the spat, but not the exact details. Most marital spats are about the same old things like money, sex and the division of house work. I think we've had the same spats over and over in our marriage for 22 years now. It's hard work living with one person for the rest of your life, but it can and does work out in the end.

    My only advice: I think it's important to count to ten before we open our mouths and say things we'll regret.

    If all else fails, bite your tongue and learn to say you're sorry.

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  7. Hi, thanks for stopping by. It is always fun to meet new people in the world of blog.

    As for the advise? Not sure I am the one to give it as it took me a long time before I got to a place where I would not have the occasional meltdown and when I got to that place I am not sure how I got there. It just seemed that I woke up on day at destination unflappable. Maybe as we age, we become more mellow or we simply lack the energy.

    I think that it is very important how you handle yourself after and in between your episodes. That is after all the bulk of your life and is has not become null and void as a result of a few stellar moments that as humans we are all prone to hubby included.

    Oh, just in case you saying hubby never throws things down the stairs, think a moment. That may be true but remember all humans have different and varied ways of expressing themselves when angry. Who is to say that yelling and throwing is worse than pouting or giving the silent treatment and sarcasm is not wit when the barb is meant to hurt.The martyrs are not on the high road either. There is more than one way to have a temper tantrum and rare would be the person that does not occasionally indulge.

    Just keep up the good work and keep loving him.

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  8. Lol, thanks so much for the wise and caring advice everyone! Great to know Im not the only one who belongs on Jerry Springer :-D The hubby & I went for a coffee like civilized human beings and sorted it out. There are certain things he says that really make me go psycho. And, there are things I say as well which make him feel criticized. We figured out some better ways to approach our next argument. Let's hope I remember to Do it Differently next time. I chatted with someone yesterday who lost it and bashed her favorite table with a hammer. And now for the polyfilla...

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