Recently the Hubby and I had the good fortune to be at home, alone, in the afternoon when everyone else in the world is either at school or at work.
When that happens, you have two choices:
(1) Go out for lunch, or
(2) Go to bed and get it on.
As I climbed into bed and seductively started to remove my clothes in slow motion (cut to fireplace) I found myself thanking my lucky stars that Hubby-man and I, unlike many couples our age, do not have any babies. Nor do we intend to have any babies.
Much as I like little kids, the absence of small kids at times like this is a divine blessing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you God!
How many parents know this scenario?
The stars and planets have miraculously aligned themselves so that you and your dearest one are both: in bed, awake, not exhausted, and still in love with each other. And, not mad at each other. What are the chances of that?
You have small kids, so for all those conditions to be just right is...VERY RARE.
(Hence why kids themselves make quite a good contraceptive.)
(To readers with no kids - could your love life could tolerate the following interruptions? Don't worry, I know you still want kids anyway.)
There is kissing and hugging going on. You try to put the kids out of your mind because they are watching TV. That should hold 'em for a while.
Things are just getting kind of heady. You feel like, "Ohhh, I remember you. You're good!"
Then, creak, you hear your bedroom door opening.
"Mom, can you get me some Froot Loops?"
"You can get them yourself. You know how. Go on!"
Little footsteps go away, but they have left the door open.
You get up. Shut the door. Snuggle into bed. Now, where were we?
"Mom!" a kid whispers in your ear, "I can't find them."
What do you do? You could get up and make the Froot Loops and then come back to bed, but it sort of wrecks it. You only just got to "Oh, I remember you," and now you will have to start from scratch, pretty much.
On the other hand, if you stay in bed, you will be intermittently pestered by the Froot Loop whiner, which totally wrecks it.
And then there's the guilt.
Who wants to be such a perve as to be getting it on while their own kid is there?
What if they walk in on you?
Inapproriate images will be burned into their retinas. They might never get over it. They will get a neurosis and need therapy and then they will tell their therapist it was all your fault for being a selfish perve. Mom.
Guilt is the antidote to feeling sexy. It totally is.
But we don't have any small kidlets any more, so I don't have to think about any of the above. I love babies and there are times when I would love nothing more than to have a baby who looks exactly like a mini-me of my Hubby.
But when I hear them wailing in the supermarket, I think, "Thank God it's not mine". When I sleep in 'til 10am and wake up fresh, I don't think, "I wish I had been up 5 times for my baby last night."
Our kids are old enough to get their own Froot Loops. But just in case, when my Hubby is getting ready to put the moves on me (cut to Hawaiian sunset) he sticks a note on the door that says "Come back later. Much later."
Just in case they come home unexpectedly.