Thursday, April 29, 2010

Kidlets Kill Sex

Recently the Hubby and I had the good fortune to be at home, alone, in the afternoon when everyone else in the world is either at school or at work.

When that happens, you have two choices:
(1) Go out for lunch, or
(2) Go to bed and get it on.

As I climbed into bed and seductively started to remove my clothes in slow motion (cut to fireplace) I found myself thanking my lucky stars that Hubby-man and I, unlike many couples our age, do not have any babies. Nor do we intend to have any babies.

Much as I like little kids, the absence of small kids at times like this is a divine blessing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you God!

How many parents know this scenario?
The stars and planets have miraculously aligned themselves so that you and your dearest one are both: in bed, awake, not exhausted, and still in love with each other. And, not mad at each other. What are the chances of that?

You have small kids, so for all those conditions to be just right is...VERY RARE.
(Hence why kids themselves make quite a good contraceptive.)
(To readers with no kids - could your love life could tolerate the following interruptions? Don't worry, I know you still want kids anyway.)

There is kissing and hugging going on. You try to put the kids out of your mind because they are watching TV. That should hold 'em for a while.

Things are just getting kind of heady. You feel like, "Ohhh, I remember you. You're good!"

Then, creak, you hear your bedroom door opening.
"Mom, can you get me some Froot Loops?"
"You can get them yourself. You know how. Go on!"
Little footsteps go away, but they have left the door open.
You get up. Shut the door. Snuggle into bed. Now, where were we?

"Mom!" a kid whispers in your ear, "I can't find them."

What do you do? You could get up and make the Froot Loops and then come back to bed, but it sort of wrecks it. You only just got to "Oh, I remember you," and now you will have to start from scratch, pretty much.

On the other hand, if you stay in bed, you will be intermittently pestered by the Froot Loop whiner, which totally wrecks it.

And then there's the guilt.
Who wants to be such a perve as to be getting it on while their own kid is there?
What if they walk in on you?
Inapproriate images will be burned into their retinas. They might never get over it. They will get a neurosis and need therapy and then they will tell their therapist it was all your fault for being a selfish perve. Mom.

Guilt is the antidote to feeling sexy. It totally is.

But we don't have any small kidlets any more, so I don't have to think about any of the above. I love babies and there are times when I would love nothing more than to have a baby who looks exactly like a mini-me of my Hubby.

But when I hear them wailing in the supermarket, I think, "Thank God it's not mine". When I sleep in 'til 10am and wake up fresh, I don't think, "I wish I had been up 5 times for my baby last night."

Our kids are old enough to get their own Froot Loops. But just in case, when my Hubby is getting ready to put the moves on me (cut to Hawaiian sunset) he sticks a note on the door that says "Come back later. Much later."
Just in case they come home unexpectedly.


  1. Visiting from TWC. Hi! *waving*

    I plan on spending some time reading over your stuff. So, Hi from Kate in Michigan

    Come visit me at livejournal if you want. :-)

  2. Oh how I can relate to this. I'm so glad my kids are grown........

  3. Yep, I'm sure most moms can relate. Especially that guilt factor. I could NEVER get in the mood unless my son was asleep for the night, but now... thank goodness for school!

    You need to get a lock on your door lol.

  4. Our youngest, the Porcupine, is 5.5 years behind our next youngest, the Squirrel and her brother [6.5 years] JR. Seems when the Porcupine learned to walk she didn't like "Closed Door" or "Mom & Dad Nap/Locked Door Saturday" and by 2 years old had learned how to pick the lock on our bedroom door. Honestly I think her brother inadvertently taught her, but she sure was good at it. ;D

    It was hysterical - there we would be in the throes of [passion?} and unkempt bed, dust bunnies and all the things parents of toddlers hide in their room because company is coming and you need to clean the house fast? But it worked, we were busy...the we would here the tell tale "click" and a little hand would slide around the edge, ready to take over the room and her parents - but then THWARTED at the last moment by that pesky 8.5 year old bro bro - when you would see his bigger hand snake around the door, grab chubby 2 year old and yank her out, shutting the door in one swoop along with a plainative "Sorry Mom, Dad. Won't let it happen again." And you could hear him frog march her down the hall away from her parents who were [still] nekkid, but were now laughing so hard the idea of a game of Pictionary had more appeal than what they had HAD planned.

    We lost the battles, but we won the war because when our bedroom door is closed now our kids respect it [no locks!] but I do have to say with all those years of the suspense during the first moments of our "nap time" has demurred us of anything but a real nap. LOL - no worries tho' - Sometimes falling asleep in his arms is better than risking the addition of a new wall scaler. I mean seriously? At our age?

    I hope this all made sense, because it truly is one of my favorite memories [repeating] of the kids growing up - gosh it was funny.

    Which reminds me I will have to email you the story of the argument we had to have with the doctor regarding AIDS/HIV Testing and just who we have had sex with in the past 15 PLUS years. I am getting that man disbarred [or disdoctored, whatever] but you will laugh. :D

    Love you!

  5. We have nicknames for our kids which we use frequently. They are Mr and Miss Contraceptive. That should tell you everything!!!

  6. I can relate to this! It is so nice that our kids are older now... they respect the closed door.. just wish we could get the dogs to stay out! :)